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Monday, 14 March 2016

Fair Warning Of Foul ( But Funny ) Language As the Joneses Try To Keep Up

I saw this meme on Facebook a few weeks ago and it made me laugh then. It’s a bit raw, yes, but this week it seems entirely appropriate to the antics of the person known to me and Housemate as The Diva Next Door. I thought I’d put it here then, on my own blog, and issue a fair warning of foul language. And explain why it suddenly seems so appropriate.

A little background first.

Two years ago we got a six-foot fence put up around our back garden and, in order for this to go up, The Diva’s trees and bushes needed cut back. After he ignored three separate requests from the landlords to do this, and our fence work was due to be started next day, we went ahead and did the cutting back ( and boy, was that some hard work for two not-terribly tall, slightly unfit forty-something women! ) and we dumped the cuttings on his side of the fence.

Well, did he pout and scream!

Too bad for him that the landlords agreed with us: his cuttings, his problem to dispose of them. Should have done it when he was asked.

Anyway, after years of ignoring his gardens, fast forward a bit and he had a burd move in with him. They’re a good match, I must say. He’s a diva and she’s a self-important little snob. Lifts her perfectly makeup’d nose every time she passes you. Apparently she’s been too tight-arsed from day one to even squeeze a polite smile out. Screw you, hen. I’ll be polite once and if you insist on acting like a twat about it, I’ll never try again.

Quick aside.

If there is one thing drives me batshit crazy it’s “Monkey see, monkey do” neighbors. Two months after we put our back garden fence up, guy across the road stuck a five-foot fence up around his front garden ( minus even bothering to ask for the planning permission that we had been denied for our front garden to do the same ). Then, not long after Diva’s burd moved in, she stuck a fancy bird feeder up on the tree in their front garden. We already had one in our back garden. Monkeys see…

Anyway, recently the neighbor on our other side moved out and the landlords cleared the urban jungle that used to exist in his gardens, as is their policy. And what have Diva and his burd done this week?

Yep, they’ve cleared their front garden and put a patio in. Not just plain old paving, you understand, no. Not for her. It’s a patio ( and yes, please feel free to say that in a suitably pan-loafy Kelvinside accent ). A year ago we had plans - got the quotes and the guys out to plan it and everything - to pave part of our front garden, which becomes an unworkable bog every winter and stays that way until around June and then becomes less irritating for maybe two months before turning back to bog. But The Dog needed two unexpected - and costly - operations and the money we had saved went on that. The Dog is, after all, more important than any damned garden.

But just watching her prance around this week, snipping wee bits of bush and tree here and there, whilst Diva ( who has suddenly become Mr DIY Expert of The Fucking Year ) smiles indulgently and does the ‘manly work’ of laying the patio, has rather made us see in a vivid shade of "Oh for fuck's sake!" especially when considering his pouting and screaming over a few cuttings two years ago. And it made this meme appropriate.

All being well, this year will be the one when our front garden goes from unworkable bog to so goddamned presentable it will make the eyes of Diva & Burd water with envy. Of course, if anything more important comes up again that needs this year's available savings, then it’ll be a big “Screw you!” to them and we can then look forward to making them crazy with our nasty-ass blot on their perfect little landscape.

Damned if I don’t just feel a good deal happier about those gates being left open…!

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