Opinions. Everybody Has 'Em.

Sunday, 7 August 2011

My Top 10 TV Crime Fighters ( Male )

Usually I have much to say about the ladies of TV Land’s crime-fighting programs but today, in the interests of equality and all that is fair, I will give this post over to the crime-fighting chaps who weekly rid the world of bad things at the sides of their female counterparts. My Top 10 TV Crime Fighters ( Male ) then would look like this:

    Coming in at NO. 10, but definitely not the least for being last, is body language expert and cheeky git Dr Cal Lightman ( Tim Roth ). Although 'Lie To Me' has now been canceled by those clueless networks, Cal remains a lovably roguish crime fighter. He might not have been hunk-handsome but he had a certain sly charm made him sexy, certainly it was good enough to make him attractive to cute colleague Dr Gillian Foster which makes him good enough for me then.

At NO. 9 and once described as “a pipe cleaner with eyes” is the BAU’s Dr Spencer Reid ( Matthew Gray Gubler ), who brings geek-chic to swoonsome new levels for many a 'Criminal Minds' fan. Spence needs to be my little brother ASAP, he’s puppy-dog-level adorable! It also has to be said that on top of his genius, neither is Spence is a bad shot for someone who once failed his yearly FBI firearms proficiency test! At least he’s a better shot than colleague SSA Emily Prentiss ( as much as I am chagrined to say so ) who over the course of six seasons has continually failed to hit anything smaller than the side of a barn, and I might even doubt that. Of course, if you need some sharp shooting in a tight situation, the smart money is always on JJ…

Striding in at NO. 8 with the ever-present cup o’ joe in hand, is the one, the only, the legendary Leroy Jethro Gibbs ( Mark Harmon ) of 'NCIS'. A man of few words and steely-blue eyes, it’s no surprise that often the distressed damsels prefer to put themselves in the care of this Silver Fox than that of younger agent Tony DiNozzo.

At NO. 7 is yet another of the BAU’s best, the delicious SSA David Rossi ( Joe Mantegna ) also of 'Criminal Minds'. The original profiler and the man for whom the no-fraternization rule was made, Rossi has that roguish, twinkly-eyed, slightly grizzled, bad-boy charm in spades. So much of it does Rossi possess, in fact, that I’m pretty certain even the disagreeable Section Chief Erin Strauss secretly harbors a crush on him! As disturbing an image as that may be for many Rossi fans… I do apologize! Let me make it up to you with a pic of Rossi looking all mean 'n' moody...

Anonymously avenging the justice system’s mistakes at NO. 6 is sexy serial killer Dexter Morgan ( Michael C Hall ) of the eponymous 'Dexter'. Never has murder looked so good as it does wrapped up in the package that is the blood-splatter-analyst-by-day-serial-killer-by-night Dex. And besides, any guy who has a wonderfully foul-mouthed, man-shirt-wearing, sexy cynic of a sister like Detective Debra Morgan ( Jennifer Carpenter ) absolutely must be on this list! I long for the day that Deb realizes men are just not her forte and embraces her latent lesbianism…

At N0. 5 is Sheriff Rick Grimes ( Andrew Lincoln ) of 'The Walking Dead'. Rick may have swapped fighting crime for fighting zombies, but he still looks damn good doing it, and without a doubt he’d be my go-to guy for any living dead problems I might have…well, you never know these things. Do you know for sure that the government isn’t working on creating an army of zombie-soldiers? No. Well. Just sayin’.

At NO. 4 we have another unconventional crime-fighter, Guerrero ( Jackie Earle Haley ), the Man of Only One Name, from 'Human Target', another show canceled by the stupid networks. Forget Chance, forget Winston, the little guy in the glasses is the one I want standing between me and the people hellbent on making me a non-living soul. Kind of like Dexter, Guerrero is a borderline psychopath on the right side of justice, if not quite the law, and the man does have great taste in clothes. I must agree with Mrs Pucci on that one.

Bringing us into the Top 3 at NO. 3 is Deputy Marshall Raylan Givens ( Timothy Olyphant ). The handsome modern-day cowboy of 'Justified' sure knows how to fill a pair of jeans and a Stetson, every damn week making me wish that Raylan had a twin sister also happened to be a lesbian…*sigh*… The man also has the most perfect freaking hair I’ve ever set eyes on, not to mention that wonderful Southern drawl, and damn, can he shoot! Please…someone give this guy a gay twin sister…then put her and Deb Morgan together…

In at NO. 2 in a closely-fought crime-fighter race for the top spot, is The Man That Is Sam Axe ( Bruce Campbell ). Sidekick of 'Burn Notice’s spy Michael Westin, Sam epitomizes cool and he knows how to Get Shit Done. He’s Sam Axe. He’s Bruce Campbell. What else is there to say? He rocks either way.

But, coming in at NO. 1 with a bullet, is the Classic of all Crime Fighters, the hero extraordinaire, The Ginger One himself, the only man who can wear the Sunglasses of Justice, it is Lieutenant Horatio Cain ( David Caruso ) of 'CSI: Miami' fame. Oh yes, if Horatio were a real crime-fighter in the real world, we could all sleep safe and sound in our beds at night, knowing we were being protected by a man true of heart, upright of intent, way smarter than the criminals, as invincible as his sunglasses, a man who can wear black suits in hundred-degree Miami heat and not lose his cool for a moment. Vegas may have survived the departure of Gil Grissom but Miami…nay, the world…will always need Horatio Cain.
" He who wears the Sunglasses of Justice must be invincible..."

Oh, just stop fighting it, Deb. We all know you look too damn good in a man's shirt to be anything but gay...!

Need some shootin' done...? Smart money's on this blonde...not the other blonde, who just needed to be shot!
Making pipe cleaners sexy for six seasons!

Oh, stop denying it, Strauss, you want a piece of the marvelousness is Dave Rossi, too!