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Sunday, 22 May 2011

This Just In ... Facebook Creates Zombies!

A source more or less close to something or other has revealed to me that Facebook has been making secret preparations for the Zombie Apocalypse predicted by the CDC. From Friday 27th May, Facebook will be sneaking into your home whilst you are asleep to take samples of your brain for tastiness testing. The reason they are doing this is because Facebook has been breeding and training its own army of guard zombies to protect it during the Apocalypse. Apparently these guard zombies have, however, become dissatisfied with the genetically-modified freeze-dried re-hydrogenated faux-brains that their social network masters have been feeding them, and so Facebook needs real brains to keep their pets satisfied. Anyone whose brain sample passes the tastiness test will be subsequently abducted by the race of giant-lizard aliens who are secretly assisting Facebook in its dastardly plan, and taken to an underground complex somewhere so secret that even the aliens piloting the abduction crafts don't know where it is because they are required to wear blindfolds and fly by an autopilot system installed using a Facebook app. Once there, the abductees will have their tasty brains extracted to be fed to the guard zombies. What becomes of their bodies is at this time unknown. And it's probably best not to think about it anyway.

In order to avoid this grisly fate it is recommended that you lock all your doors and windows at night. Because they are just aliens after all, not Vegas magicians, they can't walk through bloody walls. You might also want to reconsider that alarm system you bought five years ago and never learned how to arm.

This information was passed to me via a dirty, crumpled handwritten note in a 'Understanding Your Psychosis 101' night class, by a friend - well, more of an acquaintance really - who got it from his ex-girlfriend's sister's boyfriend's third cousin, who was given it by a defrocked priest, who was told all of it by a parishioner during confession. Presumably before he was defrocked. Although I can't in all honesty vouch for that. It may not be the most reliable information, is what I'm saying. But I wouldn't recommend that you risk totally disregarding it either. Not where Facebook is concerned.

Big-ass lizardy-thing assisting Facebook.

Sadly, there'll be no Erica Evans to save our asses.

Another defrocked priest. Ours probably wasn't as chiselledly handsome as this guy.

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