Opinions. Everybody Has 'Em.

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Death By Cucumber. Or Birdbath.

With the recent linking of cucumbers - a vegetable so apparently unlikely to inspire fear and loathing - to an outbreak of a virulent strain of E.coli in Germany, it now seems to be official ...

Everything in the world is OUT TO GET US.

Humans, a puny species subject to being preyed upon by all manner of evil and nasty things, are consequently at war daily with pretty much each and every object and substance that we might come into even the most fleeting contact with. To judge by the daily reports of doom in the media ( and who does not believe in what the media tells us? ) we are taking one hell of a beating in this war. Think you'll be safe if you don't eat cucumbers? Think again. The cucumbers may have infected your lettuce. And your tomatoes. That summer salad isn't looking quite so 'healthy' now, is it? Don't imagine that you'll be cheating death by indulging in a steady diet of cheeseburgers and chicken nuggets either ... you do not even want to know how many sad unfortunates go to a purple-faced demise every day choking on their nuggets. And don't be so quick to reach for that calming glass of red wine just yet, not until you've absorbed that no one in the medical profession can come to a consensus of opinion on whether it will prolong your life, or just give you killer migraines. Do you REALLY want to take the risk?

If you should doubt any of this everyday danger by which we are faced, take a look at the annual Accident & Emergency reports compiled from NHS Trusts around the UK ( I daresay other countries have their versions of the same ). The figures published in these ( often unintentionally hilarious if you have a sense of humor anything like mine ) reports clearly illustrate how people are being constantly assailed and benighted by the contents of their own households, coming to grief on everything from birdbaths and ironing boards to tin openers and even their underwear. Every night we go to bed in peril of being strangled in our sleep by a legion of evilly-intended duvets. If you are lucky enough to actually wake up in the morning, all manner of hazards await you from the moment you set foot out of bed in the form of lurking slippers, sneaky soap dishes, treacherous toilet paper, and chairs that are anything but easy to get along with. Don't let your guard down if succeed in making it to the office either because therein awaits the terrifying gauntlet of pens, pencils, rubber bands, and the sharp edges of countless manila folders.

So be warned. That innocuous-seeming box of cornflakes on the kitchen counter? It could be plotting your demise right now.

Yes, it may look like an ordinary, innocent birdbath ... but do you really know what it's thinking?

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