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Wednesday, 6 October 2010

How To Recognize That You Are In A Horror Movie

There are certain elements that go into making up a horror movie. There can be variations on these themes but they must always be present in some form for it to be classified as a horror movie ...

1. Running In Heels Through The Cemetery. Graveyards are dangerous places. They are dangerous at any time of day but by night they become especially so. Hence it is NEVER a good idea to enter one. However, you are the bird-brain who appears in every horror movie and who leaves band practise / their date / the local crack-house later than expected and, despite the pea-soup fog and the eerie music playing in the background, will proceed to take an ill-advised short cut through the local cemetery ... the creepy, lonely one at the ass-end of town, right next to the dark woods, the one with all the legends surrounding it about some teenagers got chopped up by a bunch of psycho-cannibals. Naturally you will be in footwear inappropriate to trudging through cemeteries and this will lead to falling down and ricking an ankle, hence allowing the werewolf/vampire/psycho chasing you plenty of time to catch up. You are not Buffy Summers. You are not cut out for hanging around in lonely, creepy, monster-infested cemeteries. Therefore you are a goner. You will die horribly. And it's your own damn fault, you should have stuck to the beaten path.

2. The Curse Of Being The Second Banana. You are the tough, wise-cracking best friend of the leading female character, often kind of cute in that tomboyish way, and maybe even openly gay if the movie is trying really hard to be hip and inclusive. Usually you are destined to die a gruesome but heroic death in the last third of the movie, often whilst attempting to save the ass of the best friend ( which ass you have been secretly coveting for the entire movie ) or less often the ass of her entirely worthless boyfriend ( which ass you have openly been longing to hand to a demon for the entire movie ) but take heart. Your career may stall at playing this Second Banana but you will always have a loyal following amongst the lesbians. It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharpened ax.

3. The Unkillable Killer. When you see the guy in the hockey mask, the one lugging the ax /machete / chainsaw over his shoulder, there is but one thing to do: RUN AWAY. It does not matter what you inflict upon this guy, you can shoot him, stab him, set fire to him, hell, you can throw him from the top of the Empire State building, it might slow him down but it won't kill him. He'll be back. They always come back. I mean, if you could kill him, where would the sequel and the franchise be in that?

4. Just When You Thought It Was Safe ... it isn't. Please recall the above regarding unkillable killers. But you'll forget, won't you? Not five minutes after the blood has been mopped up and the last ripped-off limbs have been tidied away, you'll be right back in the water/woods/creepy summer camp, leaving yourself open to being hacked to pieces by that not-dead-at-all grinning maniac or dragged to hell by some seriously twisted tree roots. Oh well, you didn't learn. You deserve to die also.

5. Put That Chainsaw Down, You'll Have Someone's Eye Out. Seriously, it might look cool, running around waving a chainsaw and screaming like a banshee, but chainsaws are dangerous things. The unskilled should stick to shotguns, flaming torches, and anything sharp and stabby, and leave the chainsaws to the professionals. Otherwise you're just going to wind up cutting your own hands off and it's kind of hard to fight a zombie horde with no freaking hands. Trust me.

6. You've Got To Have Tits n Ass. It's a horror movie. The audience will be largely made up by horny, sticky little teenagers and a few serious weirdoes lurking up the back. Therefore there will be tit n ass. Be prepared to run naked down a beach, all your bits jiggling, and throw yourself into a body of water beneath which will be lurking something much worse than a back-row weirdo. If you possess particularly impressive jiggly bits you may get to play The Slut and will spend the first third of the movie shagging your way through the male cast ( and maybe one female cast member if it's that determinedly hip and inclusive movie you happen to be in ) only to become one of the first grisly casualties. Because if there is one thing the grinning psycho dislikes it's teenage sex. Being skewered whilst shagging Kevin Bacon might not earn you any Oscars but the teenagers and the back-row weirdoes will love it. Or anyone who's ever had a hankering to skewer Kevin Bacon.

7. Last Woman Standing. This is possibly the most coveted role in horror movies for actresses. You get to be tough and glamorous, able to spend a whole day and night plunging through woods in West Virginia ( I honestly don't know why anyone ever goes to Virginia anymore, the place is crawling with inbred psycho-cannibals according to Hollywood! ), and fight off a family of cannibals, and still come out of it with your lipstick intact. Even the torn clothing and the little smears of blood and dirt on your face will look adorably sexy on you. The downside to landing this coveted role is that you may get stuck with it for some considerable time. Horror movies are franchise favorites and you may wind up wondering why you ever tried out for that role when you're doing 'Friday The 13th Part 45'.

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