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Tuesday, 28 September 2010

Horror-struck ... for all the wrong reasons

Dear me, what can the matter be with horror movies these days? I have just lately viewed 4 movies all of which managed to seriously rub my unfunny bone the wrong way.

The first offender was Sorority Row which, granted, I wasn't expecting greatness from. But nothing this bad either. Rumor Willis ... you'd have thought her parents might steer her in the direction of something a little less hapless. No, wait, last good thing Demi Moore did was St Elmo's Fire and Bruce Willis ... no, I simply can't cast my mind back that far. As for Carrie Fisher getting involved in this nonsense, I can only assume that she's back on the booze and drank the next month's rent money so needed something to fill the gap.

Next up was The Final Destination ... please not the The to distinguish it as the ultimate ... well, least said about that ... I just bloody well hope it is the final one. Was this in 3-D at the cinema? Because not even screen-popping special effects could make up for a script sounded like it had been written by an 82 yr-old Mormon Republican with a mania for over-explaining everything.

Although by now I was having serious doubts I stuck with my mini-marathon of unmoving horror movies for the remake of Nightmare On Elm Street, a movie which just should not have been remade at all because it is a classic. After watching the remake against my better judgment then, I realized it was two hours of my life that I would never get back and resolved to listen to my better judgment more carefully in future. And by the way, whose seriously messed-up idea was it to take the greatest horror-movie anti-hero of all time, Mr Freddy Krueger, and make him into something resembling an inbred redneck extra left over from Deliverance? Just leave the classics alone. Please. Thank you.

Finally, since I like to finish what I start ( well, sometimes ) I arrived at the final leg of this torturous marathon. I had hoped for better things from Drag Me To Hell but it seems even at the last hurdle life was to cheat me out of a prize. Hell is exactly where both Sam Raimi and this movie should be have been dragged to, and left there for eternity, preferrably before it had a chance to upset the finer sensibilities of horror fans like myself. Raimi's much-vaunted 'truimphant return to horror' was more of a last-gasp clutch at a straw that he has allowed to wither into mulch. Alison Lohman is no Bruce Campbell and I suspect even if she had cut off both her hands with a chainsaw and got dragged from hell to breakfast by a bunch of demented vines all singing the 'Hallelujah' chorus, I wouldn't have been able to raise much more than a bored, " Oh get on with it!"

I must come to the conclusion then that there are altogether too many horror-movie remakes these days ... Friday the 13th, Halloween, The Crazies ( okay, that one did work ), Nightmare On Elm Street ... and on and on. We need less regurgitation of what we have already digested and more assailing of our senses with fresh gore. The horror-movie makers of today also are desperately in need of a humor transplant. Does anyone know where Dr Herbert West is these days?

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A Nightmare On Elm Street Image & A Nightmare On Elm Street Pictures
Leave it alone. Robert Englund is Freddy. End of story.
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Friday The 13th Scene Image & Friday The 13th Pictures
It's no use, sweetie. He's just gonna keep coming back. This is a franchise, don't you know?

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